I will never stop being a diva nor will I ever change my views on my independence but this diva finds love. I have often contemplated if my independence interfered with my ability to find (or maintain) a healthy intimate relationship. As I have gotten older, I had begun to accept that I might just be alone indefinitely. I became okay with that idea but always knew that it wasn’t the way I dreamed about my life as a little girl.
Then came him!
The very beginning of a diva finds love – I knew him when we were younger; we lived in the same building. Although we were friends, we were young and our lives/careers took us in separate directions. We ran into each a few other times over the next 25 or so years and casually hung out a handful or so times.
This time we reunited because he popped up on my SnapChat. Keep in mind, I do not know how to do the WhipperSnapper (SnapChat) thing. I clicked on this name (handle) that kept popping up in my alerts to see if I actually knew the person. Next thing I knew I was begging my daughter-in-law to undo whatever I had done because I was pretty sure it sent him a friend request and I didn’t want him to think I was reaching out to him.
As she is explaining to me, probably for the 7th time, that I cannot just undo a friend request – he sends me a private message thingy. Well, what was I gonna do? Pretend I am not on my phone 10 seconds later? I was kind of stuck. Quickly the WhipperSnapper messages turned to text messages (apparently he still had my number). It was about a month later (almost to the day) that we first hung out.
Diva Finds Love: The Very Beginning
Our first encounter I insisted we meet up casually. I had a friend with me and it was a very non-intimate place that I chose. I did not want pressure – just a casual environment with no expectation. This is a place that I have frequented to watch sporting events and we met to watch a boxing fight.
A girl that I had been friends with for decades but was no longer in a good place with was there (not a surprise since we had been there together in the past). She kept walking past my table but we didn’t speak. He became aware of the tension between us because he picked up on her aura as she continuously walked by so I shared that she is someone I fell out with after a very long friendship. Eventually she approached me to talk and I clearly recall how I could feel his protectiveness while she and I were talking. He was not rude or disrespectful in any way but I could feel his protective nature.
Diva Finds Love: A Second Date
I remember our second date when he started talking about men being the head of the household and leading and I about lost my shit. My defenses immediately went whacko. I wanted to find my keys and run and never return. Of course, I made it clear that I wear the pants and he very respectfully and politely defended his position.
One of the main points I remember was him giving the example that if we were out and a man disrespected me that I should not say anything but that he should. I don’t remember if I said or thought something along the lines of – OHN! I will curse him out and put him in his place. LOL! He kept on defending his position and eventually I realized that he is not suggesting I lose my independence but that I allow a man to be a man and to protect me.
I rarely encountered men who were more secure and assertive than me, so his ideas were unfamiliar. Growing up, my mother was the dominant figure, and my brothers made me defend myself when a boy hit me in 4th grade. While I am grateful for their intent to teach me self-protection, it has also made me accustomed to always fending for myself. As a result, I struggle with understanding submission and allowing someone to take care of me.
Diva Finds Love: The Dating Continues
After the second date, work got pretty hectic and I had a cancer scare. I put him off for the next two weeks. I wasn’t sure I was going to see him again but I did eventually give in. I saw him a few times after that but I tried to throttle our encounters because I knew I didn’t want anyone new around if the biopsy was positive.
Keep in mind, that is my nature – to take care of myself and protect everyone else from any difficulties. The entire time, he kept asking me to let him be there for me and to let him take care of me. I don’t understand that – I don’t know how to allow others to take care of me. I’ve never experienced life that way. He would cook for me and we would hang out but my guard was definitely still up.
He would ask to see me, ask me not to leave when our time together was coming to an end. We would hug and kiss and it started to feel really nice. He was very clear about wanting a relationship and being in it for the long haul. It scared me – I cannot lie.
Eventually he asked me to spend the night and I actually agreed. I recall being confused because I spent the night and he still didn’t attempt to be intimate with me. I asked him about it. YEP! He was just being respectful and trying to establish a strong foundation. WHOA! The restraint and discipline he has! That was impressive; especially because I am very aware that I have a very strong sexual aura so it must have been very difficult for him.
Giving Love a Try
So here we are… a man that wants to be a true man! A man who is kind and respectful and a great communicator. A man who has discipline and restraint. What the hell is this? Is it even possible? It is and it is knocking on my doorstep. What do I do?
I finally started to submit. On Father’s Day, we went to brunch and sat on the beach in Malibu. Later, at his house, I confessed that I absolutely know that I will try to run and/or sabotage the situation. I asked him to be aware of it and to not allow me to do so. I told him I want to try to make this work but explained that he will have to be patient and strong.
What the hell is this? Was I communicating and being vulnerable??? No other man, in 50 years, has been able to bring this out of me and I had to be honest with myself about that. Seeing myself this way was scary for me yet I wasn’t scared. Since day one around him, I have felt completely safe, secure, protected and have never once had a doubt because of him – only doubted myself (that I would run or try to sabotage the situation). Never did this relationship not come easy, not feel comfortable, or feel like work. It just flowed beautifully and naturally.
Diva Finds Love: The Future
I don’t ever want to be the fool who lives in oblivion. I know it can go sour tomorrow but I also NOW KNOW that it exists. If it were to all fall apart then at least I have raised my standards – this experience could never be negative. It has shown me that relationships that are safe and secure and loving do exist. There are men who are respectful, kind and loving. It has shown me that men do want to love and protects us – yes us! Even the strong independent ones who don’t need a man but want a man.
Next Step: Introducing Him To My Family
This is a big step for me and I decided to try it differently. I have never INTENTIONALLY introduced a man to my family. It has always been something I just sort of threw into the picture. Like… Oh! BTW – this is so and so and then all of a sudden it was disclosed that we were dating. Even those have been very limited. This time, the kids know I am dating someone and that I am serious about him. I have scheduled for them to formally meet him. In fact, y’all know I am a Fantasy Football Diva, right? This Fantasy Football Diva Finds Love – I am introducing him at our family fantasy football draft get together.
It is possible to be an independent diva but also have love
Reflecting back, I am disappointed that, THE ONE WHO BELIEVES YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL, ever thought that it was okay to forego a healthy, loving relationship just because I am an independent woman but this Diva finds love eventually. I should have always known (and believed) that I could have an ideal relationship with an amazing partner. Sharing my story that this diva finds love hopefully lets you know that you can too.
Something I look forward to each day…
Every day he sends me a song. I look forward to it every day (now my staff does too). One that really resonated with me that I treasure incredibly is this: